Blessings aren't Bad

I've had a lot of trouble counting my blessings latley. I get so embarrassed everytime I share with someone how God is blessing our family, because He really really has. I had a chat with a friend a few days ago though and came to realize I am giving glor to God every time I speak out about what He's doing for us and it reminds me during a struggle what He's going to do again. He will always take care of us, He will always be with us and He will always love us, so I shouldn't be ashamed or embarrassed when someone else notices the miracles happening in our life, that just gives even more glory to God and I hope by sharing our blessings someone else will ask God to show them theirs and then we will all start seeing the blessing instead of the struggle...so blessings definitley aren't bad.

Therefore, today I'm so so thankful for:

33) Fresh brewed hot coffee
34) French vanilla creamer - mmm my apsolute favorite!
35) The fact that my husband remembered I was out of creamer and got me some without me asking
36) Walking with my kids in the beautiful weather
37) Peace when I lay all my fears and worries and emotions at my Lord's feet
38) Christian radio in the early morning reminding me to keep looking up
39) late night prayers when all the house is asleep
40) Friends who can reach way down into my mess and pull me out of my own emotions to remind me of God's goodness and Love for me
41) being reminded of a good memory of my dad and I when I was younger
42) Spending the whole day with my grandma and finding out just how much she loves Jesus and how much she acknowledges Him and His power in her life
43) Seeing my grandma's love and passion for my grandpa and her strength in wanting to take care of him instead of him being in the hospital.
44) Visiting my grandpa and him remembering my name.

Note: This picture is of my grandpa, my mom, my sister and my aunt at my wedding about 6 years ago. Growing up he always told me he was going to dance with me in his shirt tales at my wedding, and then he surprised me in this outfit. By far the best surprise ever. He has dimensia now but he remembers us and that is a blessing.

I'm learning

It is my experience through my past and things that I've been through that if I have an oppinion about anything then I'm not friend worthy. If I think differently, act differently or appear different then I can not possibly deserve a friend. I have lived with the lie through the years that I have to like the exact same things, think the exact same way and act the exact same way as any "friend" who just happens to choose me. I have lived in the corner all my life feeling like I'm just waiting for someone to notice me and find me worthy enough to speak to...but I'm learning these things are lies. They are not healthy and they have caused a lot of damage to my heart.

I have found true friends, real friends. Friends that actually like talking to me and actually value my oppinion. These friends didn't find me on their own and I didn't find them on my own. There was nothing I did to gain their friendship or their trust. I'm an introvert, hiding in the corner secretly praying someone would notice me. God has answered that prayer and today I'm thankful for my friends. I would like you to meet them too, through their blogs. God saw how lonley I was those many years ago and I believe in His compassion He creates friends that suit each of us perfectly. If you're lonley today ask God to bring you a friend, someone that will encourage you, someone that will pray for you. Someone that will love you just the way you are even when you're "different". He's just waiting for you to ask.

Continuing to count my blessings today I'm thankful for

22) My friend, Lisa from A moment with God. God brought us together and she is by far the best friend I've ever had. She prays for me, and encourages me. Her faith inspires me to dig deeper into God and her love for her family inspires me to get closer to mine. She's an amazing worship leader and some day I hope to have her boldness and confidence *even if she doesn't see it herself ~ smiles*
23) My friend, Jenifer from Sweet Blessings. God brought us together as well and as our friendship grows she is becoming one of my best friends as well. She prays for me and encourages me ever day to go further in my walk with God. I miss her and her family since they Church planted somewhere else but we still talk daily and I think our friendship is as strong as ever.
24) Work for my husband for another day
25) cuddles with my daughter before we start our day
26) an unexpected blessing after recieving my w2 last night
27) My new friend Phil Malmstrom and the encouragement I recieve from his blog and my friend Richard also my Pastor, also Lisa's husband. Two men that have shown me not all men are bad and if they are following God can be so so so encouraging and not scary at all. Two men in my life that are close friends that have shown me it's ok to trust and talk to male friends when it's a healthy friendship.
28) A trip to my husband's home town to say our goodbyes to his grandpa who passed away last wednesday.
29) Finding out through his funeral just how faithful and on fire for Jesus grandpa was, and knowing without a doubt he's in Heaven dancing with Jesus now healthy and onery as ever.
30) God's hand on my grandma while my grandpa is in the hospital
31) My sister and her mama bear protective instincts
32) Falling in love with my husband more and more every day and the boldness he's gaining from working with a Pastor every day

I know 3 of my friends will read this so I just want to say thank you to each of you I love you so much and I pray God grows our friendship even more in this new year.

All Things

I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength.

All things, if I really lived like I believe I can do all things my life would look a whole lot different.

I would start running, no matter what the weather was like.
I would stop choosing food over God, no matter how loud that little voice got inside my head.
I would stop getting so angry at my kids and husband and start realizing they make mistakes too.
I would reject that very ugly piece of my heart God has been showing me latley and start filling that hole up with Him, and Him alone.

All things...God's not exagerating here...we really can do all things through Christ who gives us strength. And it's not a hee-man brute strength we're talking about...it's an inner strength that rises up when you're at your weakest saying GO My Child, because I AM inside of you.

What things can you do because Jesus gives you strength?

Continuing with my list, today I'm thankful for

11) Quiet time with my Father, He wakes me up no matter if I go back to sleep after my alarm or not, He knows I need that time with Him and did you know He enjoys our quiet times too...He loves hanging out with His children, do you have daily quiet time's with Him?
12) Baby smiles and even a few giggles from my almost 3 month old nephew
13) Being used daily by an almighty God who doesn't have to use me but wants to use me
14) Work for my husband for today
15) Learning to focus on one day at a time and thanking God for the blessings of the day
16) The inner strength God's word gives me every day to say NO to my flesh ~ even though I mess it up ~ His grace is perfect in my weakness
17) Family dinners, and a lesson in each from God
18) My kids and their prayers before each meal "Thank You Jesus for this food" and their passion to pray on their own
19) A husband that forgives me for my attitude daily
20) Doing hair and nails and playing dress-up and baby dolls with my 3 year old daughter ~ and learning a lesson from God about her heart
21) Having my eyes open to the sunrise when I choose the better option
22) A new Bible Study in Ephesians that I'm learning SOOOOOO much from

Throw off your old sinful ways and former way of life which is corrupted by lust and deception.

Let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Eph 4:27,28

Where's My Joy?

Remember, I said sometimes I write to make sense of this world and the things that are being thrown at me. I feel like I'm just sitting on the edge of my seat.

Waiting.

Watching.

Cringing.

I've started a small study in Ephesians. Today and yesterday I read about joy. "I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so you can understand the confident hope He has given those He called. His holy people who are His rich and glorious inheritance." Eph 1:18 Paul also prayed in this same passage for the believers eyes to be open and focused on their work for God and to grasp the full joy we have in belonging to God.

To grasp the full joy we have in belonging to God. Full joy. Where's my joy? The truth is I'm scared. I'm TERRIFIED. I have full on panic attacks lately. The tears come when I least expect them. Regret is sitting on my shoulders, shame is my new friend. Anger hides all of these things from those around me because I'm not supposed to be like this. I'm supposed to be joyful. His power is made perfect in my weakness right? So I sit...watching...waiting...cringing for what might happen. Afraid to hope.

What is wrong with me? He's been faithful every. single. time I've never needed Him. He's come in right at the last minute (sometimes even before I knew I needed Him) He's rescued me...and my family.

So I ask again where's my joy? Where's my faith? Where did it go and why did it leave so easily?

I WANT IT BACK...NOW.

I'm participating in the Joy Dare I found on another blog a few days ago, because I need my joy back. I need to change my focus. The Joy Dare is finding a few things each day you're thankful for. Whether they are pictures of things or just a list of things. Things that God has blessed your day with. So I look up...instead of looking at that problem that's sitting right in front of me I look up, and I say thank You.

1) Food on our table for today.
2) Work for today for my husband.
3) Baby smiles from my sweet 2 month old nephew.
4) Solidifying a ride to an appointment on Thursday.
5) The laughter of my children.
6) Being able to say "I'm sorry" only in His power.
7) Healing for my shoulder (I didn't do anything to it, I just have pain sometimes)
8) Choosing to exercise today.
9) Accountability I've found in my sister to eat healthier and exercise more
10) Conviction and correction for my attitude.

Every day on Tuesdays I will be sharing my list with you all.

Peace of God

I don't know about you but I'm so thankful for a new week. I found freedom at Church yesterday and I have a new chance to walk in peace. To let go of the past. To let go of pain. It's a new day. It's so important to be thankful. Today in the world there are so many things that try to trap us. There are so many things trying to bring us down into depression or anxiety or anger. It's all in your perspective, today I recieved some more pretty awful news but I choose to be thankful, because God saw it coming and He will provide.

1) God's provision
2) True Peace
3) Quiet Sunday evenings spent at home watching movies
4) Cuddle time with my new nephew
5) My sister coming to visit
6) A hug from Jesus in the middle of a struggle
7) Prayer with my pastor
8) Being able to let go of hurtful words in a phone call because of His love for me.
9) A messege : God's mercies are new every morning and I am God's girl.
10) A Christmas plan for the food pantry and people who are donating
11) Abandoned worship and the messege of freedom
12) Finding freedom and love from a Holy God who will meet us in the mess to give us peace.
13) Visable change in my heart, I was desperate to see change and He shows me every day there is change, however slow it may be, it's there.
14) A Messege: God IS for me, NOT against me ~ no matter how bad things may be He IS for me, He IS on my side.

What are you thankful for today? God is for you too. He's on your side, never forget that.

And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful. Col 3:15

God is still good

Today I'm sick. I have an awful chest cold. It feels like a giant is sitting on my chest making me unable to breath, but God is still worthy to be praised, even on my off days.

Today I'm counting my blessings, and they are all about God.

1) This verse : My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. James 1:19 and the tiny victories I see today, in practicing this verse.
2) The fact that God loves me just as I am, but He loves me too much to let me stay where I'm at.
3) This video



4) The pain from the chisel but knowing it's making me holy, more like Jesus.


5) The lessons I'm learning from my husband about being a gentle spirit, kind, loving even when things are stressful.


6) God speaking to me through a Veggie Tales movie and the lessons I learned watching it with the kids and a blog post to share the lesson with everyone else.


7) Cuddling with my sweet 3 week old nephew during worship yesterday morning and feeling lead to pray over him and knowing he will grow up serving and loving the Lord.


8) My husband who gets up every morning to pray and read his Bible before anyone else is awake...even on the weekends.

9) The strength to let go of at least one burden, and continuous prayer to let go of other burdens.

Tears on Sundays

Tears on Sundays are good. Healing even. Freeing sometimes. Tears can mean God touched a nerve. Tears shouldn't have anything to do with the song that was played or the words that were spoken, but everything to do with what you learned from God. What did He speak to you? What do your tears mean?

I cry a lot on Sundays. Every ugliness from the week gets dropped at the feet of Jesus and I'm able to just worship. Just release built up tension, fear, anxiety, anger...release it all and I feel free. Loved. Hopeful.

But.

But what happens when we leave our place of worship? What happens when we leave Church. Our safe place where we felt such love, moments before. All too often we pick everything back up and walk out the door only to drop it again and cry more tears on the next Sunday.

Maybe that is what's wrong with me today. I'm "in a mood" as my husband would say. Angry, agitated. irritated. I put my kids in their rooms and sit on my bed, look up to that white ceiling and wonder what God must be thinking. What is wrong with me Jesus...why do I always feel like this. Why did you entrust these kids to me, why did you want me to quit my job. What in the world should I be doing with Your kids.

Tears on Sundays, baggage on Mondays. That's what I did. I subconsciously picked up all my baggage as I walked out the doors of my Church Sunday and carried it home with me to be used for the coming week.

I envision balling up all this aggression and throwing it to the Heavens. Here Jesus...I don't want it anymore. I don't just want tears on Sundays...I want freedom. I want growth.

Continuing to count my blessings...because I am so blessed...

1) Visiting with my grandparents Saturday
2) Cleaning and chatting with my grandma
3) Having lunch at Burger King with my grandparents after 4 hours of cleaning their house (We were getting ready for Thanksgiving this week)
4) A music box from my childhood, given to me as a gift...my grandma remembered I loved it as a child...
5) The smell of a wood burning stove (their only source of heat, my favorite smell in the world)
6) God's provision
7) My Church decorated for Christmas
8) God's amazing love, a lesson I need to learn and relearn every. Single. Day.
9) A safe friend and her family, and their story of God's mighty outstretched hand protecting them in their car accident.
10) My sister and her beautiful new baby coming to play with us Friday evening. The sounds he makes while eating is simply precious.
11) Tears on Sundays. Lessons on Mondays.
12) Studying my children, learning to like them. Not just love them.
13) Celebrating 6 years with my hubby when we didn't think we'd make it past 4.
14) Quiet nap times and worship music to soothe my soul
15) God's desire to see me grow, and knowing that I will grow because He wants it for me.
16) A flourishing Church food pantry

(The music box from my grandma)

Be Grateful

Today I'm posting over at Woman to Woman Ministries and guest posting over at Beautiful Mommy Feet, please come over and join us!

God can use anything to teach us lessons and this week He taught me a lesson when we didn't get approved for a home loan. This was our third attempt at a loan and we've tried even more times to try to rent a house.

I want a house. I want one so bad I can picture every detail. I can day dream about my kids playing in our own yard and my husband and I decorating the rooms the way we want. I can picture us sitting by the imaginary fire place and doing laundry in our laundry room. I may just be a little obsessive but I can picture us in a Victorian home, blue with a huge front porch...ok I'm obsessive.

This attempt though we didn't call a lender, they approached us. I thought maybe this was how God was going to get us into a house but instead it was how He chose to teach me a lesson.

Was I relying on the Lender and Real Estate Agent more than God to provide for us? Yep I sure was.
Was I obsessively thinking about getting into a house the very second they contacted us asking if we wanted to try for a house again...again Yes I was.

Wanting a house has become an idol in my life, and God used this opportunity to reveal that to me.

I have to admit I was MAD. So angry that we didn't get approved, so angry that they contacted me in the first place when I thought I was finally starting to be ok living in our apartment...God just used this to show me I wasn't ok, that I was just suppressing the want.

I am not saying it's a bad thing to want a house, or to even dream and hope. But for me it went way too far, it was obsessive.

Today I'm grateful. I'm grateful that we have a 3 bedroom apartment/town home because both of my children have their own room. I'm grateful because we do have a laundry area in our basement, that we don't have to travel to do laundry. I'm grateful that when my husband gets paid today we will have food in our refrigerator again. I'm grateful we have a home, maybe it's not a house, maybe we have to fight for a parking spot, maybe we have other people's dogs coming and going as they please in our spot of yard but we have a home, my children are warm and fed and they have a bed to sleep in.

I don't need a house, God has provided for our needs, He has provided for many many wants too. Christ is what I need, not a house, a house won't make me happy. A house won't comfort me when I'm upset, share my joy with me when I'm happy and shelter me when I'm scared. A house is just a house. God is my friend, my Father, my Hope and my Life. He is all I need.

Sometimes I wonder if the dream He has put in my heart is just telling me that He has a home for me. A house I will love when I'm home with Him. At that time though I won't even care about a house...I will be home with my Lord, and that is the only thing that really matters, isn't it.

It's all in the attitude

I woke up with an attitude of oh man it's Monday today. After my prayer and quiet time my attitude still was pretty awful. I think it's time to focus on some more blessings, God has so so blessed me this weekend and I want to share those with you..

1) The opportunity to sleep in just a little, Saturday! 
2) A job for my husband on Saturday with my grandpa
3) A trip to a petting farm with my kids and my parents
4) Enough money to buy a couple groceries after my husband got home Saturday
5) An awesome worship service with my Church Family
6) An entire day at home with my husband Sunday
7) Afternoon nap time
8) Kettle Corn
9) Chocolate milk
10) A facebook messege from my husband who hates facebook/never uses facebook saying he loves me.
11) hugs and kisses from my daughter as she came running in my room this morning
12) The messege that Change Takes Time

God has so greatly blessed me, how can I possibly have a bad attitude this morning.

Blessings in the trials

There's been quite a lot on my heart latley. Worry has started creeping back into my life with winter coming my husband won't be able to do yard work for my family any more and that extra money was a blessing that kept us above water. But God knows how He will provide so it's not for me to worry about.

Memories of the past keep flooding my heart making me sad and angry again. Every time I let go they come back in waves. But God is bigger and I'm thankful for my past, He's using it for HIS good and it's not mine to worry about so I continue to let go and keep praying.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with this mothering task ahead of me, I'm just a girl. How can I possibly be a mother and a wife trying with all my strength to pull my family into God's will for us on my own? I'm tired, tired of the struggle. I'm reminded right now again though to let go and let God handle it. It's not my job to pull our family to Him, it's His to bring us to Him. It's impossible to do what He wants in MY own strength. I don't have control of this, He does and it's not mine to worry about.

So in all my worry and sense of being overwhelmed I feel like I should remember my blessings. I'm too blessed to be stressed.

Today I'm thankful for

1) Snuggle time with my daughter
2) Butterfly kisses with my son

3) Quiet evenings at home building block towers and watching princess movies with my family

4) An amazing opportunity to help people through the food pantry

5) God's provision to keep our electricy on

6) Warm apple crisp and vanilla ice cream

7) Having my husband home and actually hanging out with us for a whole 24 hours.

8) A warm bed on cold mornings

9) Being able to cry out to God and His answer before I even realize it

10) God persuing ME, God wanting to spend more time with me.

11) Trials that bring me closer to my Jesus.

I think being thankful, and realizing my blessings keeps me grounded. Counting our blessings lets us see that God is truly in control and He really does see us.

What are you thankful for today?

Solid Rock

I preached again Sunday, 8/21. There was something different about this time. I was nervous, but not as much fearful. My heart is different. There's something starting to open and bloom, I'm not sure what yet, but it's something beautiful, something very much full of God. I'm counting my blessings today please join me and thank God for the blessings He showed you over the weekend.

1) Love notes from God during my day.
2) God's grace, which I very much don't deserve but a gift He gives freely for me to accept.
3) An amazing worship service last Sunday.
4) Feeling an overwhelming sense of God all around me, all week, not just on Sundays
5) The power of the Holy Spirit given to me, to speak
6) The realization that I can speak, openly, freely and with boldness
7) Real dreams of being a Pastor, bold and consumed by God
8) Sweet sisters who minister to me about past hurts.
9) A hole in my heart slowly but surely being filled by my Heavenly Father
10) A sermon, very much from God
11) Kids excited to make mustard seed faith necklaces
12)My husband, who was anxious and willing and ready to help with whatever I needed for my sermon.
13) Quiet time prayers

I want what God has for me and I think I'm beginning to see what that is. Every day is a blessing friends, no matter your circumstances, no matter what you're going through right now. Every day is a blessing. God leaves His mark on your day, He makes eact day special, just for you. You just have to choose to see it.

 "I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. Psalm 40:2

Every day is a gift

Today I would like to tell you about my son.

He turned two at the end of April this year and he is just as you can imagine, full of life and energy, curious about everything two year old little boy.

He wasn't always like this though.

He was our surprise. My children are 13 months apart and my son was not planned. I cried for weeks and weeks when I found out he was coming. I'm not happy about this secret but God makes beautiful things from our past, and he made something beautiful in our relationship.
He came out sick. He couldn't keep any thing down, he wasn't growing and no one would help us. Our daughter was the "easy one" she ate everything we set in front of her and wanted more. He wouldn't eat anything and never wanted to eat. When we could get him to eat he would throw it all up in a rocket across the room type way and then scream for hours on end. This put a strain on my husband and I and made the feeling of contempt for him even stronger in my heart. I resented this little blessing for interrupting our happy, our normal.

Moving forward, when he was 3 months old during a normal baby check-up a nurse commented on how little he was and asked about his eating habits. When we explained he didn't have any eating habits she told us to try soy. It turns out my little boy was lactose intolerant, completely allergic to any and all dairy products. After we switched he was a completely different baby, he laughed and smiled and cooed at us, he started growing!

During the next baby check-up he was sick with a cold and they x-rayed his chest. That day our world fell apart all over again. Enlarged heart. Those two words gave me nightmares. For the next 2 months we were in and out of children's mercy hospital where I watched them poke and prod my little boy. They did test after test that should have been reserved for much older adults not my 4 month old baby.

My heart broke for him, I thought I was being punished for my lack of love toward this little boy and I begged and pleaded with God to let him be ok, that I would love him and that I would get right with Him if he would just let my baby be ok. 2 months later a break, we finally saw an actual heart doctor and she said he was completely fine, it was a sack around his heart all babies have.

Thank You Jesus.

During all of this he was in and out of the regular doctors for ear infections. He was still behind in growth and he wasn't talking any more. He cried more, he didn't move hardly at all and the older he got the quieter he got. Tubes. They were now talking about doing surgery on him. To help his ears drain. Dear God why are we going through this, I don't understand. I was going to Church again and starting a relationship with God by the time they mentioned surgery so I prayed, and prayed and prayed. I took him to church one night and had my sweet sisters pray over him and we finally got some relief. God healed him. I know without a doubt it was Him. We went for another check-up and his ears were completely clear. He was behind in his speech and still a little behind in his growth but after 7 months of speech therapy, he can talk as much as any 2 year old little boy. He's learning and still grunts for some things but he's determined to learn, and his momma is determined to teach.

Thank you Lord for my son, he is a blessing and our trials with him have made me more grateful for our time together. I just want to let you know there is hope for momma's with sick children, God hears and God sees. I'm so grateful he doesn't have any heart problems and his ears are better. He does still have his dairy allergy but I'll take that over heart problems any day. (smiles)

I'm thankful

Dear friends, if you ever have days where you feel like you can't possibly take one more step forward, that God is NOT with you and does NOT care let me reassure you He does and He is!

My new journey started several months ago with the revelation of what God has for me but this weekend marked the first step forward. Today I'm worshipping. I'm praising and I'm reflecting. There's so much to tell that I think I will just count my blessings today.

1) Pool time with my kids in our very small very public backyard
2) A husband home for more than an hour
3) Playing and splashing around in the water with my husband and kids
4) Very visible spiritual growth
5) 45 minute sermon in a 2 hour allotted timeframe
6) A very dear friend who can think on her toes about games and Bible quizzing questions to keep the kids busy
7) Feelings of failure turned in to visions of the future
8) A written down messege from God hiding in my Bible telling me He's with me in the middle of 45 minute sermon
9) True and dear friends who minister to me and tell me not to give up in the midst of my tears
10) 1 little girl who was excited to hear me teach and wasn't afraid to show it
11) pictures of smiley faces left as a note for me on the computer after my sermon
12) Help with finding music for games from my best friend's son
13) A night of successful and FUN Bible class for VBS
14) The opportunity to teach kids who LOVE hearing about Adam and Eve and actually answer the days of creation correctly
15) Kids who love to worship Jesus
16) My Pastor who was a friend first
17) private conversations with my Pastor/friend about his nervousness at becoming a new never before Pastor
18) Encouragement from him to keep going and that he believes in me (I cry as I write that)
19) The love and strength and grace of my Abba Father
20) Feelings of complete peace and warmth of my Daddy after a long day, feeling wrapped in His arms

I learned a lot about myself, self confidence and strength and about faith this weekend. It's so obvious I'm growing. Sunday morning I put this as my facebook status "Today's the day and I'm going to jump in with both feet and let God do the teaching" and teach me He did. Sunday it wasn't me teaching the kids, it was God teaching me and I'm humbled at the experience.

Thank You Father God for who You are and your teachings. Thank you for that experience. I know you're always with me and I can walk with my head held high. I'm a child of the King.

 I love you Lord.