I'm learning

It is my experience through my past and things that I've been through that if I have an oppinion about anything then I'm not friend worthy. If I think differently, act differently or appear different then I can not possibly deserve a friend. I have lived with the lie through the years that I have to like the exact same things, think the exact same way and act the exact same way as any "friend" who just happens to choose me. I have lived in the corner all my life feeling like I'm just waiting for someone to notice me and find me worthy enough to speak to...but I'm learning these things are lies. They are not healthy and they have caused a lot of damage to my heart.

I have found true friends, real friends. Friends that actually like talking to me and actually value my oppinion. These friends didn't find me on their own and I didn't find them on my own. There was nothing I did to gain their friendship or their trust. I'm an introvert, hiding in the corner secretly praying someone would notice me. God has answered that prayer and today I'm thankful for my friends. I would like you to meet them too, through their blogs. God saw how lonley I was those many years ago and I believe in His compassion He creates friends that suit each of us perfectly. If you're lonley today ask God to bring you a friend, someone that will encourage you, someone that will pray for you. Someone that will love you just the way you are even when you're "different". He's just waiting for you to ask.

Continuing to count my blessings today I'm thankful for

22) My friend, Lisa from A moment with God. God brought us together and she is by far the best friend I've ever had. She prays for me, and encourages me. Her faith inspires me to dig deeper into God and her love for her family inspires me to get closer to mine. She's an amazing worship leader and some day I hope to have her boldness and confidence *even if she doesn't see it herself ~ smiles*
23) My friend, Jenifer from Sweet Blessings. God brought us together as well and as our friendship grows she is becoming one of my best friends as well. She prays for me and encourages me ever day to go further in my walk with God. I miss her and her family since they Church planted somewhere else but we still talk daily and I think our friendship is as strong as ever.
24) Work for my husband for another day
25) cuddles with my daughter before we start our day
26) an unexpected blessing after recieving my w2 last night
27) My new friend Phil Malmstrom and the encouragement I recieve from his blog and my friend Richard also my Pastor, also Lisa's husband. Two men that have shown me not all men are bad and if they are following God can be so so so encouraging and not scary at all. Two men in my life that are close friends that have shown me it's ok to trust and talk to male friends when it's a healthy friendship.
28) A trip to my husband's home town to say our goodbyes to his grandpa who passed away last wednesday.
29) Finding out through his funeral just how faithful and on fire for Jesus grandpa was, and knowing without a doubt he's in Heaven dancing with Jesus now healthy and onery as ever.
30) God's hand on my grandma while my grandpa is in the hospital
31) My sister and her mama bear protective instincts
32) Falling in love with my husband more and more every day and the boldness he's gaining from working with a Pastor every day

I know 3 of my friends will read this so I just want to say thank you to each of you I love you so much and I pray God grows our friendship even more in this new year.

God is still good

Today I'm sick. I have an awful chest cold. It feels like a giant is sitting on my chest making me unable to breath, but God is still worthy to be praised, even on my off days.

Today I'm counting my blessings, and they are all about God.

1) This verse : My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. James 1:19 and the tiny victories I see today, in practicing this verse.
2) The fact that God loves me just as I am, but He loves me too much to let me stay where I'm at.
3) This video



4) The pain from the chisel but knowing it's making me holy, more like Jesus.


5) The lessons I'm learning from my husband about being a gentle spirit, kind, loving even when things are stressful.


6) God speaking to me through a Veggie Tales movie and the lessons I learned watching it with the kids and a blog post to share the lesson with everyone else.


7) Cuddling with my sweet 3 week old nephew during worship yesterday morning and feeling lead to pray over him and knowing he will grow up serving and loving the Lord.


8) My husband who gets up every morning to pray and read his Bible before anyone else is awake...even on the weekends.

9) The strength to let go of at least one burden, and continuous prayer to let go of other burdens.

Tears on Sundays

Tears on Sundays are good. Healing even. Freeing sometimes. Tears can mean God touched a nerve. Tears shouldn't have anything to do with the song that was played or the words that were spoken, but everything to do with what you learned from God. What did He speak to you? What do your tears mean?

I cry a lot on Sundays. Every ugliness from the week gets dropped at the feet of Jesus and I'm able to just worship. Just release built up tension, fear, anxiety, anger...release it all and I feel free. Loved. Hopeful.

But.

But what happens when we leave our place of worship? What happens when we leave Church. Our safe place where we felt such love, moments before. All too often we pick everything back up and walk out the door only to drop it again and cry more tears on the next Sunday.

Maybe that is what's wrong with me today. I'm "in a mood" as my husband would say. Angry, agitated. irritated. I put my kids in their rooms and sit on my bed, look up to that white ceiling and wonder what God must be thinking. What is wrong with me Jesus...why do I always feel like this. Why did you entrust these kids to me, why did you want me to quit my job. What in the world should I be doing with Your kids.

Tears on Sundays, baggage on Mondays. That's what I did. I subconsciously picked up all my baggage as I walked out the doors of my Church Sunday and carried it home with me to be used for the coming week.

I envision balling up all this aggression and throwing it to the Heavens. Here Jesus...I don't want it anymore. I don't just want tears on Sundays...I want freedom. I want growth.

Continuing to count my blessings...because I am so blessed...

1) Visiting with my grandparents Saturday
2) Cleaning and chatting with my grandma
3) Having lunch at Burger King with my grandparents after 4 hours of cleaning their house (We were getting ready for Thanksgiving this week)
4) A music box from my childhood, given to me as a gift...my grandma remembered I loved it as a child...
5) The smell of a wood burning stove (their only source of heat, my favorite smell in the world)
6) God's provision
7) My Church decorated for Christmas
8) God's amazing love, a lesson I need to learn and relearn every. Single. Day.
9) A safe friend and her family, and their story of God's mighty outstretched hand protecting them in their car accident.
10) My sister and her beautiful new baby coming to play with us Friday evening. The sounds he makes while eating is simply precious.
11) Tears on Sundays. Lessons on Mondays.
12) Studying my children, learning to like them. Not just love them.
13) Celebrating 6 years with my hubby when we didn't think we'd make it past 4.
14) Quiet nap times and worship music to soothe my soul
15) God's desire to see me grow, and knowing that I will grow because He wants it for me.
16) A flourishing Church food pantry

(The music box from my grandma)

Be Grateful

Today I'm posting over at Woman to Woman Ministries and guest posting over at Beautiful Mommy Feet, please come over and join us!

God can use anything to teach us lessons and this week He taught me a lesson when we didn't get approved for a home loan. This was our third attempt at a loan and we've tried even more times to try to rent a house.

I want a house. I want one so bad I can picture every detail. I can day dream about my kids playing in our own yard and my husband and I decorating the rooms the way we want. I can picture us sitting by the imaginary fire place and doing laundry in our laundry room. I may just be a little obsessive but I can picture us in a Victorian home, blue with a huge front porch...ok I'm obsessive.

This attempt though we didn't call a lender, they approached us. I thought maybe this was how God was going to get us into a house but instead it was how He chose to teach me a lesson.

Was I relying on the Lender and Real Estate Agent more than God to provide for us? Yep I sure was.
Was I obsessively thinking about getting into a house the very second they contacted us asking if we wanted to try for a house again...again Yes I was.

Wanting a house has become an idol in my life, and God used this opportunity to reveal that to me.

I have to admit I was MAD. So angry that we didn't get approved, so angry that they contacted me in the first place when I thought I was finally starting to be ok living in our apartment...God just used this to show me I wasn't ok, that I was just suppressing the want.

I am not saying it's a bad thing to want a house, or to even dream and hope. But for me it went way too far, it was obsessive.

Today I'm grateful. I'm grateful that we have a 3 bedroom apartment/town home because both of my children have their own room. I'm grateful because we do have a laundry area in our basement, that we don't have to travel to do laundry. I'm grateful that when my husband gets paid today we will have food in our refrigerator again. I'm grateful we have a home, maybe it's not a house, maybe we have to fight for a parking spot, maybe we have other people's dogs coming and going as they please in our spot of yard but we have a home, my children are warm and fed and they have a bed to sleep in.

I don't need a house, God has provided for our needs, He has provided for many many wants too. Christ is what I need, not a house, a house won't make me happy. A house won't comfort me when I'm upset, share my joy with me when I'm happy and shelter me when I'm scared. A house is just a house. God is my friend, my Father, my Hope and my Life. He is all I need.

Sometimes I wonder if the dream He has put in my heart is just telling me that He has a home for me. A house I will love when I'm home with Him. At that time though I won't even care about a house...I will be home with my Lord, and that is the only thing that really matters, isn't it.

There's just something...

There's just something about being buried in a pile of leaves...

There's just something about jumping up to reach the tree that seems to tower over you, ...

There's just something about shuffling your feet through crackling leaves...

There's just something God is trying to teach me right now...patience, perseverance, and love. There's just something my children are trying to teach me right now...kindness, compassion, humility...

The fact that I will make mistakes, but Jesus makes it all better when I just come to Him and lay it down...

So will I stop trying to control everything, let go and just learn?

Yes...yes I will.

What's God teaching you right now? Are you listening? Are you learning?

The Tree

(This is not the tree, but this is beautiful)

There's a tree outside our backdoor. Like all the other trees it has started to change with the fall season. Today I opened the curtain to let some sunshine in and the sunrise was beautiful. Breathtaking. The sky was bright blue and the clouds were whispy. As my children sat eating breakfast I admired the sunrise and I heard God whisper "I love you more". More than the sunrise, more than those whispy clouds, more than the fall colors you admire so much. I love you more"

My eye caught the tree then, that I mentioned at the beginning of this. I really looked at it and noticed one side was red with all the beautiful fall colors and the other side was still green. It looked like the change was straight down the middle. One side changed, one side not. As I stood there thinking about that tree and letting my brain wander and daydream God interrupted and said "change takes time"

God and I have been wrestling so to speak. My heart is full of ugliness. Anger, bitterness, selfishness, every day no matter how hard I try, all of it comes to the surface. I let someone else's actions or mood affect me and off I go in an adult temper tantrum. It's awful. Every day I cry and cry out to God to change me. How can this stuff possibly be a blessing, I can't make myself believe I'm meant to carry this around forever to keep me close to You Lord...that's what I asked Him last night. He was quiet last night but today He gave me my answer. Every day I ask Him to change my heart and expect to be changed, just like that. It's not that easy, if we've been the same way for 18, 20, 25 years then it's going to take time and patience and trust on our part to let God do His work.

He uses our circumstances, however extreme they may be to change us.

I get so frustrated when I'm met with the same awful attitude day in and day out, no matter how hard I cling, how hard I try. Just like God told me this morning though...

"Change takes time. Be patient and trust in Me"

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, Ephesians 3:20

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

You're Grace is sufficient for me, Lord.

I'm also posting at Woman to Woman Ministries today. Click over and check it out. There's also a give-away going on over there, it's pretty awesome - Casting Crown's new CD The Well

A lesson in roses

I love flowers. They make me happy with their bright colors and gentleness about them as they start growing. We live in town-house/apartment buildings, the lady that lives right next to us has a GREEN thumb. She has flowers everywhere. Every spring she plants them all over her part of the yard and she has hanging flowers. Her house is beautiful. I've tried a few times to mimic her flower planting skills but my husband and I always seem to put way too many tall flowers in our very small flower box, they never turn out right.

One day my husband was working on a house (his job is salvaging old historic houses and refurbishing them) He's very good at it. He was working on a house that had been empty for a long time and had an almost dead rose bush in the front yard. He asked permission then began digging it up. When he brought it home I was less than pleased but I let him plant it.

This was several years ago, the rose bush came back to life and produced some beautiful roses, my husband has a green thumb and knew just what the rose bush needed. This summer has been hot and humid and down right oppressive. It got hot so quickly, my roses took the full brunt of the heat. I thought the bush had died. I was sad and planned to plant some more roses when ever I could find some time, then one day I opened the blinds to the front window and found this...

Little pink roses with several other buds waiting to open. The rain we've had over the last few weeks brought my roses back to life. I was so excited I wanted to share with you. I believe there's a lesson in these roses..

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation;

the old has gone, the new has come! 2nd Corinthians 5:17.

It doesn't matter who you once were, that part of you is dead. It doesn't matter what you were in the world, you're dead to the world and being made new in Christ every day. It doesn't matter what anyone from your past thinks of you, God sees you as His most prized possessions, His precious child. His opinion is the only one that matters. My roses were dead, God brought them back. God brought me back too, and I'm going to continue telling the story, I'm going to continue shining my light, just like these roses are going to continue to grow and thrive. They just needed water, I just needed the touch of my Father and the Living Water.

That's Grace.