The Nosy Child

Sometimes my kids can be so nosy. They swarm my husband and I to get in on whatever we're doing...whether it's making dinner, making a grocery list, folding clothes no matter what we're doing whether it has something to do with them or not they want in on it. They want to be involved in the planning, preparing, executing plans, whatever it is they want to be involved ~ even when it's a surprise and we really don't want them to know.

I had a picture in my head all day Wednesday about a nosy child. My kids are preschool age so it was a little girl about preschool age wanting to get on her daddy's lap and get into his plans ~ I'm sure you can see where this is going. Of course he wouldn't let her though because it was a surprise and she really didn't need to be involved in the planning and preparing all she had to do was wait and see!

As you can see from my last post I had a bad night. A few of them actually. My husband isn't working every day, more like every other day and only making a couple hundred a week. In my head rent is coming up fast, the end of the month is just a week away and we don't have a savings account, we don't have any money put away in a coffee can somewhere so I panicked. My heart was screaming, my head was screaming and I lost it. I kept asking God why, if this job was from Him why wasn't it perfect and amazing and why didn't we have money coming out of our earlobes (smiles).

I had been doing so good, praying when I felt panic, listening for His still small voice in my heart every time I started to feel afraid but after a while I felt like I needed more. I felt like I needed to be involved in the planning. I'm a list making, double checking, planning type of person and if I can't see the solution then I freak out.

I think God's teaching me something through my husbands new job. Through my best friend He spoke to me that night telling me:

The job won't make me complete ~ only He will.
The paycheck won't sustain me ~ only He will.
John working every day won't make me happy ~ only He can give me real joy
John working every day won't make me feel safe ~ only He can keep me truly safe.

God gives good gifts, and if I truly believed this job was from Him and not just a crazy coincedence then I need to trust that this IS a good gift.

My thought process saying that He's testing us and won't provide for us was faulty. God's promises are real. He WILL provide for us. He WILL sustain us. He does NOT lie. Just like that nosy child, I don't need to be involved in His planning, He is the provider not the job, not the paycheck. It's my job to have faith, to trust Him above all else, no matter what might happen.

I can see He's growing me, even though it's painful I can see it so I pray a little harder and I cling a little tighter to His hand and I walk with Him through this with faith, with hope and with true joy and a KNOWing that my Daddy still has us in His hands.

Thank You Lord for speaking to me through my friend and for still holding me even in my panic and my horrible attitude that night. Thank you for staying close to me while I spin out of control and waiting patiently for me to realize You are still my only source. Whatever happens Lord keep us close to You. Thank You for helping me realize I don't have to be that nosy child, all I have to do is trust You and wait, and You already have it taken care of.

Where's My Joy?

Remember, I said sometimes I write to make sense of this world and the things that are being thrown at me. I feel like I'm just sitting on the edge of my seat.

Waiting.

Watching.

Cringing.

I've started a small study in Ephesians. Today and yesterday I read about joy. "I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so you can understand the confident hope He has given those He called. His holy people who are His rich and glorious inheritance." Eph 1:18 Paul also prayed in this same passage for the believers eyes to be open and focused on their work for God and to grasp the full joy we have in belonging to God.

To grasp the full joy we have in belonging to God. Full joy. Where's my joy? The truth is I'm scared. I'm TERRIFIED. I have full on panic attacks lately. The tears come when I least expect them. Regret is sitting on my shoulders, shame is my new friend. Anger hides all of these things from those around me because I'm not supposed to be like this. I'm supposed to be joyful. His power is made perfect in my weakness right? So I sit...watching...waiting...cringing for what might happen. Afraid to hope.

What is wrong with me? He's been faithful every. single. time I've never needed Him. He's come in right at the last minute (sometimes even before I knew I needed Him) He's rescued me...and my family.

So I ask again where's my joy? Where's my faith? Where did it go and why did it leave so easily?

I WANT IT BACK...NOW.

I'm participating in the Joy Dare I found on another blog a few days ago, because I need my joy back. I need to change my focus. The Joy Dare is finding a few things each day you're thankful for. Whether they are pictures of things or just a list of things. Things that God has blessed your day with. So I look up...instead of looking at that problem that's sitting right in front of me I look up, and I say thank You.

1) Food on our table for today.
2) Work for today for my husband.
3) Baby smiles from my sweet 2 month old nephew.
4) Solidifying a ride to an appointment on Thursday.
5) The laughter of my children.
6) Being able to say "I'm sorry" only in His power.
7) Healing for my shoulder (I didn't do anything to it, I just have pain sometimes)
8) Choosing to exercise today.
9) Accountability I've found in my sister to eat healthier and exercise more
10) Conviction and correction for my attitude.

Every day on Tuesdays I will be sharing my list with you all.

Only Through Prayer

Yesterday in my quiet time I read about a boy with an evil spirit. He was brought to Jesus by his father...but first he was brought to the desciples for help. The desciples could not free him of the evil spirit so the boys father found Jesus and said "if you can please take pity on us and help us". Jesus said, "if you can? Everything is possible for him who believes" Mark 9:23

After the boy was healed and and his way home with his father the desciples turned to Jesus and said, "Why couldn't we heal him?" I imagine Jesus turning to them, whispering "This kind can come out only by prayer." Mark 9:29

Jesus reply really stuck with me yesterday and today. This kind comes out only by prayer. I wonder if the desciples prayed for the boy or just tried to heal him through their own strength...

There are some days I feel like I have an evil spirit. I'm a yeller, try as I might to overcome this thing I yell. My kids are 2 and 3 and act like they have beans in their ears when I tell them to do something. They are soo frustrating some days. Some days it's really good, I don't yell I just redirect, they don't yell at me either. They fight and they argue but there is no yelling and I'm able to redirect their preschool frustrations to more productive things..other days it's AWFUL. Please don't get me wrong, it is my fault I'm a yeller, I rely on my own strength and fail every time.

Then there's the evil spirit of my weight issue, I get all motivated and start losing weight and then I start thinking wait I don't want people to look at me, I don't deserve this success. Or I won't succeed this is taking too long and become discouraged and quit.

Then there's the evil spirit of my laziness, some days I just REALLY don't want to even get dressed in the morning.

So I'm sure now you get the idea, I'm flawed. I'm sure I don't have an actual evil spirit in me this is just my flesh ruling me right. The Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Mark 14:38

These are things I'm blatantly struggling with right now. Every day I get up in the morning it's a struggle, by the end of the day I'm exausted and fall into bed grateful for sleep, you can't sin in your sleep right? (smiles)

Yesterday when I read that story of the boy and the father though it really stuck with me. I imagine Jesus leaning down to whisper in my ear "Mandy, this kind only come out through prayer"

So I pray, I pray now, I pray 5 minutes from now, I pray tonight I pray tomorrow I pray. Things change when we pray, did you know that? We're children of God and when we fall on our knees before an Almighty God, things change. Hearts change, our hearts change. So I pray, if you struggle with something you should pray too.

Worry, Fear, Doubt, Laziness, Anger, Glutony, Lust, even things like illness and money problems anything and everything dealt to us by the world just imagine Jesus leaning down to whisper in your ear

"My child, this kind can only come out through prayer"

What are you struggling with today? Can I pray for you?