Wednesday, June 29, 2016

He's there

He's there

When you get a call in the middle of the night and someone you love is hurt.

He's there

When you hear the beautiful news you're going to have a baby.

He's there

When the next bit of news is the baby is sick

He's there

When you walk through depression, not able to get out of bed because the sorrow is so heavy.

He's there

When you are in the doctors office hearing test results, that change your entire future

He's there

When the doctor's office calls you in to discuss more test results

He's there...tomorrow, 2 days from now, 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years...He's there.

There is hurt in this world. There is sorrow. There is sickness. There is pain. There is weeping and beating of chests, There is anger, and hate.

Jesus wept..the shortest verse in the Bible...He wept. and I think He cries for us too. For all the things the world throws at us...but the devil is LIKE a lion, and Jesus IS the lion and I have to believe with all my heart good will come from this.. that there are far greater things I am being protected from, and there's purpose in this, this is happening for a reason...our story is still being played out so I wait, and I watch and I hope because He's there and while there is pain in the world, there is also hope. Immeasurable hope.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

I'm angry

I'm angry.

I get like this sometimes.

So angry I can barely stand my own skin. So angry I want to lash out at the people I love the most. So angry that I spew fire from the time I wake up to when I fall asleep at night. I shake my fist at God and demand healing and make threats to never speak to Him again if He doesn't.

I hate myself during these times.

There's no manual for how to handle Lupus as a Christian. I don't know anyone who actually has Lupus as a Christian. The Christians I know seem to have everything so together and their faith comes so easily. For me it's a daily battle. Between faith and doubt, anger and peace, love and hatred. God could heal me if He wanted to? All I'm asking for is to not be in such terrible pain when I walk. Is that really too much to ask? I don't know.

I wish I understood. I wish I could just turn off my doubt and believe. I'm not a very good Jesus follower. Not really. I feel like I'm holding on to Jesus with my fingernails but am I really? Does He even consider me His? Has He totally forgotten me? Does the "God who sees me" still see me?

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, don't lean on your own understanding. In everything acknowledge Him and He will guide you..."

Trust in the sounds easier than it actually is. This is where I'm at today. 1 day at a time.

Thursday, June 2, 2016

Persistence Pays

She was a widow.

He was a hard judge.

She kept coming to him begging for justice

He kept turning her away

Until 1 day. 1 day everything changed. He was so tired of her bothering him he gave her justice. He granted her request. He didn't care about God, he didn't care about people, he just wanted her to stop bothering him.

How much more will God give us good gifts than even the unjust judges of the world...

"Listen to what the unjust judge says. Will not God bring about justice for His chosen ones, who cry out to Him day and night? Will He keep putting them off? I tell you, He will see that they get justice, and quickly." Luke 18:1-8

Persistence pays. God wants us to keep asking, to keep pushing, to keep believing. He's looking for our hearts. He's wanting our faith. He is guiding and teaching through every trial, every thing we come up against I have to believe is meant to grow our faith and bring us closer to Him. Otherwise what's it all for.

I want Jesus to find faith in me. I want to be known as someone who follows hard after Him no matter what. Not someone who gets freaked out by every little thing that is meant to derail me. I want my words to be sweet, my life to reflect God in every aspect. I want to trust above all else that God does hear me, that He does see me and He is fixing my heart as well as my health...because persistence pays.

"However, when the Son of Man comes, will He find faith on the earth?" Luke 8:8