Where's My Joy?

Remember, I said sometimes I write to make sense of this world and the things that are being thrown at me. I feel like I'm just sitting on the edge of my seat.

Waiting.

Watching.

Cringing.

I've started a small study in Ephesians. Today and yesterday I read about joy. "I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so you can understand the confident hope He has given those He called. His holy people who are His rich and glorious inheritance." Eph 1:18 Paul also prayed in this same passage for the believers eyes to be open and focused on their work for God and to grasp the full joy we have in belonging to God.

To grasp the full joy we have in belonging to God. Full joy. Where's my joy? The truth is I'm scared. I'm TERRIFIED. I have full on panic attacks lately. The tears come when I least expect them. Regret is sitting on my shoulders, shame is my new friend. Anger hides all of these things from those around me because I'm not supposed to be like this. I'm supposed to be joyful. His power is made perfect in my weakness right? So I sit...watching...waiting...cringing for what might happen. Afraid to hope.

What is wrong with me? He's been faithful every. single. time I've never needed Him. He's come in right at the last minute (sometimes even before I knew I needed Him) He's rescued me...and my family.

So I ask again where's my joy? Where's my faith? Where did it go and why did it leave so easily?

I WANT IT BACK...NOW.

I'm participating in the Joy Dare I found on another blog a few days ago, because I need my joy back. I need to change my focus. The Joy Dare is finding a few things each day you're thankful for. Whether they are pictures of things or just a list of things. Things that God has blessed your day with. So I look up...instead of looking at that problem that's sitting right in front of me I look up, and I say thank You.

1) Food on our table for today.
2) Work for today for my husband.
3) Baby smiles from my sweet 2 month old nephew.
4) Solidifying a ride to an appointment on Thursday.
5) The laughter of my children.
6) Being able to say "I'm sorry" only in His power.
7) Healing for my shoulder (I didn't do anything to it, I just have pain sometimes)
8) Choosing to exercise today.
9) Accountability I've found in my sister to eat healthier and exercise more
10) Conviction and correction for my attitude.

Every day on Tuesdays I will be sharing my list with you all.