I get like this sometimes.
So angry I can barely stand my own skin. So angry I want to lash out at the people I love the most. So angry that I spew fire from the time I wake up to when I fall asleep at night. I shake my fist at God and demand healing and make threats to never speak to Him again if He doesn't.
I hate myself during these times.
There's no manual for how to handle Lupus as a Christian. I don't know anyone who actually has Lupus as a Christian. The Christians I know seem to have everything so together and their faith comes so easily. For me it's a daily battle. Between faith and doubt, anger and peace, love and hatred. God could heal me if He wanted to? All I'm asking for is to not be in such terrible pain when I walk. Is that really too much to ask? I don't know.
I wish I understood. I wish I could just turn off my doubt and believe. I'm not a very good Jesus follower. Not really. I feel like I'm holding on to Jesus with my fingernails but am I really? Does He even consider me His? Has He totally forgotten me? Does the "God who sees me" still see me?
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, don't lean on your own understanding. In everything acknowledge Him and He will guide you..."
Trust in the Lord...it sounds easier than it actually is. This is where I'm at today. 1 day at a time.