Monday, May 16, 2011

A boulder

I have a boulder. A huge ginormous rock that I can't move.

On my own.

This rock grew in to something that will only be budged by God. Panick attacks. I can't speak in public. To people I don't know. I can't walk with my head up eyes to the sky in confidence because I fear someone will laugh at what I say, or do. Someone will judge me. This boulder leaves me in fear with something to say and no way to say it. It takes me months and months to get used to someone and after I do I can talk to them almost without hindrance.Even when I feel safe I feel like I have to limit my words and dance around whatever subject we're talking about.
I can't just speak without fear. Before God got ahold of me I couldn't even leave the house. I was afraid all of the time so I hid. God has shown me I'm still hiding. In my head. I've made leaps and bounds from where I was. But it was only by God that I was able to do that.

How do I break this boulder. How do I forget all that happened. The answer is simple.

Let go. "My child, I love you. I love you so much. Too much to let you stay in this circle of fear and doubt. Lay it at My feet and I will take care of it for you. Let go, Mandy, trust Me. I am with you."

Let go of the past. Let go of the perceived control I have. Let go of the hurt. Let God take it and take control. I realized this weekend that this boulder was still controlling my life. I can't do what He wants me to do without first getting rid of the boulder and He's trying to take it but He can't unless I let Him.

So Lord right now I let you take this boulder. I lay it down at your feet. I don't want it anymore. I don't want to be controlled by this any more, I'm a new person, I don't want this thing to define me anymore. I'm sorry for holding on to it for so long, when you are clearly wanting to take it.

I let go.


Eileen said...

Surrender is hard place to get to. Sometimes it takes so much perseverance to conscienciously make that choice over and over. Keep giving it to Him!

Debi said...

Mandy, I saw the 'boulder' this weekend. Yes, my dear, you must let it go. If God has truly called you to this...He, and only He, can bring you through it. I was just like you...and look at me now. However...most people don't see deep within me...I STILL have 'fear' of the unknown. I STILL don't have the confidence that I should have. But, God...He gets me through week after week. You will succeed because God is the One. Lay it at is feet and 'let go!' I's easier said than done...but you CAN do it! Love ya!

Jenifer said...

I have seen how far you have come is such a short time, and it amazes me. I know that God has big plans for you. When you give this boulder to Him, world look out! I too, am very quiet and shy, even around people I know well. I am trying to overcome this boulder in my own life because I want to do great things for His kingdom and I can't do it as shy me, but with Him I can. Great post and prayer Mandy!

Deane said...

Mandy, I am sorry I don't know you very well but I do see a lot of me in you. To let go is to surrender all to God. You can't be all that he wants you to be nor do all that He wants you to if you don't. It isn't easy at all. I know you will get there as you have Him to help you. Love you and blessings to you.

Lisa said...

Mandy, I think we all have boulders in our lives - especially this one. I'm so thankful that I can be myself around you, but I do still hold back a little. I don't want you to see how weird I really am. I'm serious - I'm very weird. :) But we are growing and we have to continue to let God do His work in our lives.

Heidi said...

Mandy, I'm praising God for that boulder because it's likely the very thing He used to bring you to Him! I am so much like you... lacking in confidence... insecure... worried what people think of me and trying to please everyone because what they think about me is who I really am... right?! Wrong! BUT... the wonderful thing about being like us is if anyone sees us being confident or secure in our own skin it's only because He gave it to us and our people pleasing and worrying may go on, but it's changing... that boulder is being chipped away at! And it may never go away completely, but if we would just change the way we look at it... instead of it being a hindrance, allow it to be an anchor that keeps securely attached to Jesus then it becomes necessary... a thorn in our side, yes, but a reminder of our need for Him and for all He's done for us and promises to do. I agree with you we need to "let go" of the past... all the lies we believed about our selves for so long... let them go. And all the places we went for comfort and strength... that would have us hiding... yet seeking and coming up empty... let them go. We are His and His alone... set apart for His great purposes... as Lysa Terkhearst would say "we were made for more." It's good to be believing some truth... amen?! Blessings sweet friend!

Allison said...

We can only overcome our fears with Him on our side. I have several boulders in my life that I need His help to move outta the way! I applaud you for the courage of moving them out of the way with Him...that's the only way they'll ever truly be moved!

Kandi said...

Letting go has been a theme in my life lately so this morning I made one tiny baby step towards that, I would let go just for today and let God take care of it, for today and I will worry about tomorrow wen it comes. Letting go is a lot like prayer or reading the word take it day by day until it becomes a habit.


Phather Phil Malmstrom said...

What a wonderful transparent post Mandy.

Surrendering our doubts and fears to God can be amazingly difficult, but the resulting freedom is so worth the effort! Although my "knowing you" has been limited to the blogs and Facebook, in the last several months I've seen you reaching outside your comfort zone more and more. God hears you, and He's right there by your side to comfort and guide you.

Have a Blessed Day Mandy!

Lloyd said...

I really enjoyed reading the posts on your blog. I would like to invite you to come on over to my blog and check it out. God bless, Lloyd

Kerry said...

I am the same way around people I don't know well. Even family that I haven't seen in awile, I need time to get used to them again before I feel comfortable. Thank you for sharing and for sharing your prayer to be released from this burden.

Following from Women Living Well.


Jagdamba Marble Handicrafts said...

Dear Sir,
We are interested buying alabaster stone. (Boulders/Blocks)
20 to 40 Metric Ton per month.(1 or 2container) As attach images.

This is fine high quality alabaster stone for use handicrafts?
Pure White and Hardness 2 level.
Block Size 100-200 Kg.

Please give me container FOB Price, Payment term and shipping cost to Agra ICD-India and Alabaster stone images.

Deepak Gupta
Jagdamba Marble Handicrafts
Agra, India
Member of EPCH