I have a boulder. A huge ginormous rock that I can't move.
On my own.
This rock grew in to something that will only be budged by God. Panick attacks. I can't speak in public. To people I don't know. I can't walk with my head up eyes to the sky in confidence because I fear someone will laugh at what I say, or do. Someone will judge me. This boulder leaves me in fear with something to say and no way to say it. It takes me months and months to get used to someone and after I do I can talk to them almost without hindrance.Even when I feel safe I feel like I have to limit my words and dance around whatever subject we're talking about.
I can't just speak without fear. Before God got ahold of me I couldn't even leave the house. I was afraid all of the time so I hid. God has shown me I'm still hiding. In my head. I've made leaps and bounds from where I was. But it was only by God that I was able to do that.
How do I break this boulder. How do I forget all that happened. The answer is simple.
Let go. "My child, I love you. I love you so much. Too much to let you stay in this circle of fear and doubt. Lay it at My feet and I will take care of it for you. Let go, Mandy, trust Me. I am with you."
Let go of the past. Let go of the perceived control I have. Let go of the hurt. Let God take it and take control. I realized this weekend that this boulder was still controlling my life. I can't do what He wants me to do without first getting rid of the boulder and He's trying to take it but He can't unless I let Him.
So Lord right now I let you take this boulder. I lay it down at your feet. I don't want it anymore. I don't want to be controlled by this any more, I'm a new person, I don't want this thing to define me anymore. I'm sorry for holding on to it for so long, when you are clearly wanting to take it.
I let go.