Monday, October 10, 2011

The yo-yo effect

I'm back friends, I know it's been a long time. One night my computer crashed and I'm sad to say it's in computer heaven (is there such a thing, probably not lol) but that's ok we were finally able to get a "new to us" computer so praying this computer lasts a long long time.

Have you ever played with a yo-yo? From what I can remember you can do all sorts of tricks with this thing. I've never played with one of these. I just can't see the point, you let it go and after a minute it comes back right? husband loves them though who knows why (smiles)

Have you ever played yo-yo with your sin? With your past?

I'm good at that game. God convicts me to let it go, He's got something much better waiting. I get serious about letting go, I pray and pray and commit myself to "today's the day" and I give it to God.

Oh but wait, it's not that easy is it, something unexpected issue between my husband and I, a look of love shared between my parents and my sister (why couldn't they look at me like that) and there's the pain again. Welling up inside me, memories start flooding my head. Satan starts having a hay day reminding me of all the times someone I love has failed me. Reminding me of times I've been hurt and there the pain is again. I twirl it in my fingers, hold it close to my heart letting it rip my insides up. All the work God has done gone in a matter of moments. All the things God has shown me including His great great love for me, forgotten with a single act by another person.

Like I said, I'm good at playing yo-yo with my past.

Sometimes I don't even realize I've picked it up again until something so simple, so innocent hits me straight across the face and almost brings me to my knees in pain and hurt. God must be looking down on me shaking His head at my humaness...or maybe He's just holding me tight until I'm ready to finally let it go.

This happened to me yesterday, something so simple so innocent happened and it almost made me sick to my stomach. Hurt started welling up in me, tears almost started overtaking me, anger started wrapping it's fingers around my heart.

Now I feel silly, jealousy is an ugly thing isn't it. God saw my jealousy, He allowed it to go on, He allowed me to sit through His service until altar call..."Mandy come to Me" He says...Ok Lord. It came through a word

"It's time to let this pain go, once and for all. I don't mean give it to me then take it back when something happens, people are going to fail, they are going to make mistakes, you will feel pain in this world, but I WILL NEVER FAIL YOU, lean on Me, let Me hold You, let Me love you."

Oh Jesus I want to let go, this is all I've known. For so long, holding on has been my rock in this world. Holding on, protecting myself has been my way of life. How can I possibly let this go.

Give it to Me.

I imagine myself rolling all the junk in my life into a ball and throwing it to the Heavens. Here Jesus I'm giving it to You. I DON'T want this any more. I'm tired of trying to hold on, trying to let go. I'm tired.

Is this you? Are you having issues with letting go? With playing yo-yo with your sin, with your past? You're carrying a burden you were never meant to carry. You're playing with fire every time you take it back. I'm finding that every time a memory starts coming back, every time something else happens to bring my pain back, I give it over once again. I guess it takes practice, even if it works for a few minutes you keep giving it to Jesus, my Faith says that one day it will truly be gone. I refuse to dwell in the past any more.

I never liked playing with yo-yo's. I think I'll end the game I've been playing now.

Thank You Jesus. My Rock, My Protector, My Savior.


Melissa said...

WOW!! That really hits home with me! Thanks for posting!!

Long Live the Stars said...

This is really cool! I'm gonna re-read this! Praise God!

Lisa said...

Mandy, this is so good! Your last line is so good - I never liked playing with yo-yo's. I think I'll end the game I've been playing now. Wow!

Heidi said...

Yes Mandy, this is me too. Just like playing with a yo-yo... I let it go and then take it back, let it go and take it back again. It's the littlest of things like you said that brings it back and I do dwell. I'm so thankful that He just "holds me tight" through the set backs and draws me back in to Him. Great post and so very happy you're back online again :)

Jenifer said...

So glad you are back girl! Missed your posts. :)

I have to admit I have done this before too. God I am sorry, I give it to You. Oh wait, I want it back today. No more playing yo-yo!

Kelli said...

Letting go of our past mistakes is sometimes hard. But praise God he uses our set backs to set up our life for spiritual significance!:) Great post Mandy!

Phather Phil Malmstrom said...

Welcome back Mandy! You have very much been missed! :-)

And such a wonderful post to return to blogging with. I know I'm certainly guilty of this myself, but thankfully God's been working to make those Yo-Yo strokes shorter and shorter...

Wonderful reminder to start the week!

Have a Blessed Day!