As long as I've been back with Him, God's been gentle and loving. I know Him as a Heavenly Father. A provider. Someone who I can look to for direction. Someone who will hold me when I'm scared, who will love me even when I mess up. Someone who holds me in the tough times, who will show me hope when things look hopeless. I've been learning and realizing that I'm His, He made me and He doesn't make mistakes.
Lately though I've been feeling distant, scared, hurt. No matter how much I pray, how much I read my Bible I felt like I was getting further and further away from God. I haven't known what was wrong with me just that fear and anxiety was getting worse and so was my attitude, I thought it was because I wasn't in the Word enough and while that might have been part of it the other part is that I'm scared of God's wrath.
I mess up daily, I lose my temper. I am quick to speak and quick to get angry. I'm a mess. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try I can't get it right. I felt like God's wrath was staring me in the face telling me I'm a failure and no matter what I do I'm going to get judged and I'm going to suffer that wrath. That scares me. I've been physically and spiritually backing away from God's wrath and putting up a wall between us because there wasn't anything I could do to be perfect for Him and I knew it. Thank God He broke through that wall and filled my heart with Truth once again.
The Truth is while God is Just and He can't look at our sin, there is Jesus. God sent Jesus to take care of my messy life. He came to give us hope. Jesus felt all our sin, all our fear, all our anger on the cross. Jesus is hope. It doesn't matter the baggage I've brought to our relationship because He sees me, He knows me. He knew me while He was up on that cross, He knew the failures and the successes. He knew I would feel scared at the punishment that I deserve but even if I do deserve it, Jesus stepped in and took it for me.
He is truly amazing and it will be ok. He sees me.He knows me and everything will be ok. I don't deserve His love, there's nothing I can do to earn His love, His grace so I'm going to stop striving and just embrace it with all my heart.
Know that the Lord is God. it is He who made us, and we are His. We are His people, the sheep of His pasture. Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise. Give thanks to Him and praise His name. For the Lord is good and His love endures forever. His faithfulness continues through all generations. Psalms 100:3-5