The Nosy Child

Sometimes my kids can be so nosy. They swarm my husband and I to get in on whatever we're doing...whether it's making dinner, making a grocery list, folding clothes no matter what we're doing whether it has something to do with them or not they want in on it. They want to be involved in the planning, preparing, executing plans, whatever it is they want to be involved ~ even when it's a surprise and we really don't want them to know.

I had a picture in my head all day Wednesday about a nosy child. My kids are preschool age so it was a little girl about preschool age wanting to get on her daddy's lap and get into his plans ~ I'm sure you can see where this is going. Of course he wouldn't let her though because it was a surprise and she really didn't need to be involved in the planning and preparing all she had to do was wait and see!

As you can see from my last post I had a bad night. A few of them actually. My husband isn't working every day, more like every other day and only making a couple hundred a week. In my head rent is coming up fast, the end of the month is just a week away and we don't have a savings account, we don't have any money put away in a coffee can somewhere so I panicked. My heart was screaming, my head was screaming and I lost it. I kept asking God why, if this job was from Him why wasn't it perfect and amazing and why didn't we have money coming out of our earlobes (smiles).

I had been doing so good, praying when I felt panic, listening for His still small voice in my heart every time I started to feel afraid but after a while I felt like I needed more. I felt like I needed to be involved in the planning. I'm a list making, double checking, planning type of person and if I can't see the solution then I freak out.

I think God's teaching me something through my husbands new job. Through my best friend He spoke to me that night telling me:

The job won't make me complete ~ only He will.
The paycheck won't sustain me ~ only He will.
John working every day won't make me happy ~ only He can give me real joy
John working every day won't make me feel safe ~ only He can keep me truly safe.

God gives good gifts, and if I truly believed this job was from Him and not just a crazy coincedence then I need to trust that this IS a good gift.

My thought process saying that He's testing us and won't provide for us was faulty. God's promises are real. He WILL provide for us. He WILL sustain us. He does NOT lie. Just like that nosy child, I don't need to be involved in His planning, He is the provider not the job, not the paycheck. It's my job to have faith, to trust Him above all else, no matter what might happen.

I can see He's growing me, even though it's painful I can see it so I pray a little harder and I cling a little tighter to His hand and I walk with Him through this with faith, with hope and with true joy and a KNOWing that my Daddy still has us in His hands.

Thank You Lord for speaking to me through my friend and for still holding me even in my panic and my horrible attitude that night. Thank you for staying close to me while I spin out of control and waiting patiently for me to realize You are still my only source. Whatever happens Lord keep us close to You. Thank You for helping me realize I don't have to be that nosy child, all I have to do is trust You and wait, and You already have it taken care of.

Where's My Joy?

Remember, I said sometimes I write to make sense of this world and the things that are being thrown at me. I feel like I'm just sitting on the edge of my seat.

Waiting.

Watching.

Cringing.

I've started a small study in Ephesians. Today and yesterday I read about joy. "I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so you can understand the confident hope He has given those He called. His holy people who are His rich and glorious inheritance." Eph 1:18 Paul also prayed in this same passage for the believers eyes to be open and focused on their work for God and to grasp the full joy we have in belonging to God.

To grasp the full joy we have in belonging to God. Full joy. Where's my joy? The truth is I'm scared. I'm TERRIFIED. I have full on panic attacks lately. The tears come when I least expect them. Regret is sitting on my shoulders, shame is my new friend. Anger hides all of these things from those around me because I'm not supposed to be like this. I'm supposed to be joyful. His power is made perfect in my weakness right? So I sit...watching...waiting...cringing for what might happen. Afraid to hope.

What is wrong with me? He's been faithful every. single. time I've never needed Him. He's come in right at the last minute (sometimes even before I knew I needed Him) He's rescued me...and my family.

So I ask again where's my joy? Where's my faith? Where did it go and why did it leave so easily?

I WANT IT BACK...NOW.

I'm participating in the Joy Dare I found on another blog a few days ago, because I need my joy back. I need to change my focus. The Joy Dare is finding a few things each day you're thankful for. Whether they are pictures of things or just a list of things. Things that God has blessed your day with. So I look up...instead of looking at that problem that's sitting right in front of me I look up, and I say thank You.

1) Food on our table for today.
2) Work for today for my husband.
3) Baby smiles from my sweet 2 month old nephew.
4) Solidifying a ride to an appointment on Thursday.
5) The laughter of my children.
6) Being able to say "I'm sorry" only in His power.
7) Healing for my shoulder (I didn't do anything to it, I just have pain sometimes)
8) Choosing to exercise today.
9) Accountability I've found in my sister to eat healthier and exercise more
10) Conviction and correction for my attitude.

Every day on Tuesdays I will be sharing my list with you all.

I doubt it

The serpent was clever, more clever than any wild animal God had made. He spoke to the Woman: "Do I understand that God told you not to eat from any tree in the garden?"

....The serpent told the Woman, "You won't die. God knows that the moment you eat from that tree, you'll see what's really going on. You'll be just like God, knowing everything, ranging all the way from good to evil."

When the Woman saw that the tree looked like good eating and realized what she would get out of it—she'd know everything!—she took and ate the fruit and then gave some to her husband, and he ate.

Since the beginning of time, Satan has been working against God trying to get God's children to doubt His word, His goodness, His wisdom.

The famous "did you really hear from God?" "Are you sure God told you to give your money away, so He could bless you?" "Things aren't working out right, you must have heard wrong, try doing this instead.." "God's not going to do this for you, He's testing you"

The famous questions, the ones that get God's children off track, the kind that make us wonder, make us question and worse yet, make us doubt.

If you're friends with me on facebook you know my landlord is raising our rent. January 1st it goes up $50. For a moment I wanted nothing more than to sit down and cry, how could I have done this to my family, how could I have quit my job when this was coming....what was wrong with me, what was I thinking. It's raising right after Christmas. Every penny that we get is accounted for where would this extra money come from...as I sat down I started thinking of our bills whenever I write them down on paper, try to make a budget it doesn't work. In the eyes of the world we don't have enough money coming in to pay our bills and get groceries and still have a roof over our heads it just won't work, so I've stopped trying to make a budget, we just go with it. God stretches the money, God provides.

So before I started crying I was quiet and immediately without fail He started speaking scripture after scripture memory after memory of His provision for me and my family. He reminded me time after time of His faithfulness.

He reminded me that I'm more important to Him than anything else He has ever created and that this was not a surprise to Him. I stumbled, but He held me up with His faithfulness. He reminded me that He wants to be first in my life, front and center in the midst of all "my" plans.

You know, I still don't know where the extra money is going to come from, and every once in a while I get a panicked feeling in my heart, but I also know deep down in my spirit that this will be ok. This will work out, my Heavenly Father is right here with me sitting with me as I type this blog, sitting with us as we eat our meals, watching over us as we go in and out of our daily life. He's here and this is HIS burden to carry not mine.

Worrying and anger won't change a single thing, so it's better to remain faithful and keep trusting God, and keep moving forward...keep growing...He will guide you through any struggle, any mountain...remember, faith stretching is a good thing.

Lord I let this go. I don't know how you will provide for us but I know deep down in my spirit that you will. Lord thank you for being faithful, someone I can trust no matter what. Thank you for your love for me and my family. Father God please give my husband peace about this situation, he needs to remember your faithfulness too. I love you Father.

 

(If you are new to my blog and want to read about why I quit my job and the start of my "stay at home journey" you can click here)